Good at doing hard work

Penelope Trunk told me I was good at doing hard work.
Coming from her I felt as if I won an award.
Known for being brazen and brutally honest, she has brought clients to tears.

As I reflect on those words- it makes me feel strong as if my inner Viking can seize the day at any given moment.
Surely this been a hard week,
 our parenting skills firing on all cylinders and tested our compassion for the "teen years"
Smiling, thru my tears I can share a few highlights, living in a very small mountain town "where everyone knows you're name"-  I will make this short and simple.

#3 got in so much trouble this weekend- a nightmare looks dreamy to me.

The past couple of days, the police has been involved, new found friends we thought were great- ended up being a REALLY BAD INFLUENCE, epic amounts of lying, sneaking out of the house at 1 o'clock at night and blissfully ignorant parents ...a few other things I will keep under my hat.

 Feeling stretched - wondering where the bottomless pit would end, some very hard decisions and conversation I wished never happened more importantly, a few life lessons that would test anyone's patience.
Parenting is the hardest "job" I have ever had, holding our children accountable for their actions, letting them rise to the occasion to figure out how to be responsible while keeping their integrity intact- always treating them with love and respect even through tough times.

As the afternoon progressed we learned more what had happened and what # 3's  role was in this big mess.
Disbelief, in what we heard, disbelief that he got caught
 Tears- on both ends.
Yet, relief.
Relief, knowing we had his back, that he had a safe place to land even when shit hit the fan.
Relieved that we were now in the loop and could now start damage control.

I stood on my tip toes and gave him a hug telling him- that doing the "right thing" isn't always the easiest.

That evening our son went to the "parents" house to apologize. We drove around the neighborhood a few times, it was dark so he couldn't quite recall the house- maybe he just needed that extra minute before he would have to face the music.
His voice fragile, from the back seat asking- will you stand behind me?
We all felt fragile- fragile with the anticipation of the next few minutes.
I responded- always.
Thinking he was tough as nails for doing this- no one wants to see their child scared.
He rang the doorbell and we were greeted- by the parents, introduce ourselves- hand shakes all around. Our son looks them in the eyes, takes a deep breath and begins his apology
with the courage of a Lion

 he offers the most genuine, articulate and sincere apology
you could tell the other parents started to melt...unexpected.
Most of us have been young and stupid at sometime and it was comforting to see that they could connect with that-
a few stories from their past, something we all can relate too on some level,
I guess their awkward way of extending our son an olive branch.
Glad and impressed that our son had the guts to apologize, the father accepted.
Solo, as non of the other boys that were involved had come forth.
- we said our goodbyes and left friendly terms.

Our son walks the line, head held high - he felt closure that night.
Something hard was done- he was very good at it.
Aware the battle is not yet finished and there is still a long walk up the mountain- I have no doubt he'll make it.

We all slept a little better that night.

And we are all better for having done hard work.


Seasonal color

The seasons each have their own colors.
 Not completely in tune with father winters color palette- however softly falling snow and skiing has it's perks, white can be a GREAT color.
I love snow!
 Sunless for several weeks is beginning to ware on us
 I get lost in nature and try to find as much color as possible.
Movement lifts my spirits, moving away from darkness of any kind (interpret that as you wish) is very important to me and color- it has a profound influence on how I feel.
Lack of both
well, winter gloom sets in.
Hence the outdoors,
the dogs, hubby and whoever wants to join in of the family-
unfortunately for Foghorn who's 10 - doesn't have much choice. 
Cruising through the woods I walk on the beaten path that snowshoers have tracked
 avoiding the xcountry ski tracks... holy to those of us that ski.
I notice the range of color that mother nature left for us to enjoy during these frozen season,
maybe to to assist  father winter with his rather mundane color choices?
- white and grey.

 Green cedars and pine take center stage, some adorned with beautiful pearls,
melted snow drops,
 I lick them off the needles with my tongue- refreshing and "piney"
Sheltering us from the weather the old cedar branches her arms of fresh greens and warm reds 
 like a soft cloak, I enjoy this view
Comforting from where I stand underneath. 
Blue mountains, softly frosted with snow, peak thru the forest,
quiet and dense they sit- old and wise to the world they are.
Looking up to their peaks time almost stands still,

 A welcomed splash of lime colored lichen hangs from the lodge pole pines
adding a little zest to the season.
Brown bark, broken and rough from weather
melted sap covering it's growing pains
 I savor it's familiar smell

Down the road is an old cabin- a beauty, wishing it was mine,
rustic yet cozy the keeper of many memories
 it has seen nature change it's seasonal colors.
And the lake softly resting against land- not frozen,
 a deep blue almost black
cool, refreshing glacier water on our sun burned skin in summer
  an elixir
Small waves rhythmically wash in to shore from a little fishing boat. 
There is no place quite like this.
Multi colored rocks that make up the shoreline contrasts the white of the snow, 
against the dark colored sand
Lilly walks between the two.
Deep green forests hug the cold blue mountains which ascends to white winter skies.

It's good to get lost in nature,
let it's beauty sweep you away
life has way of falling into place in nature,
Questions I seek from within are often answered outside. 

Reluctant to go home,
I think of a warm cup of cocoa, a cozy fire and letting the day sink in
makes it easier to return 

Sometimes I have to search for it... step outside
breathe in that mountain air to feel alive.

 finding a little seasonal color
making this season brighter.


From the heart

It's winter on the 48 th parallel.

North West Montana is grey, the sun was shining 15 days ago- if it wasn't for the tree line it's hard to make out where the sky ends and the earth begins. Lately I have been feeling pretty hollow (as they say in Norwegian)- which I always do in winter- especially when the New Year comes around- I'm not one to welcome it with a big hurrah or have huge aspirations. Not much celebration here.

Spending much of these un wanted grey days inside I started reading thru my blog, lamenting the past.
.... with no intentions of returning.
No longer a fiberista- hard to figure out where I fit in- both in my daily life and work routine but also blogging, since much of my life has been " rich in fiber " I really didn't think I had much to share of interest on my blog.

As someone who is no longer a mom a youngish children (my oldest is 20 and my youngest is 10) their days are filled with school, sports, friends etc. my days have become focused on the daily grind of grocery shopping, dinners, school drop off and pick up-  feeling like a " Hausfrau " with all the daily chores, not very fulfilling on a personal level.
I thoroughly enjoyed being a full time domestic engineer for 20 years - spending my days with my children, that was meaningful. The kiddos are growing up and finding their path my insecurities start to rise as I am the one standing in the dust.
I'm the mayor of a ghost town.

 Chef mentioned one day at the dinner-
- you're aware your driving a van with no kids in it?

 I cried.

 I have been driving a van for 15 years!!!!! It used to be full of kids.
- my life used to be full.
a week later I got a different car- a me car.
 A car that fits Foghorn and # 3- the others 2 have licenses and their own cars.

I started running again, bought a puppy, skied my rear end off- but nothing seemed to inspire a change.

Thoughts about going back to interior design was wafting in my head... with all the Home Depots and DIY centers, there is less demand for it.
I still feel so lost!

I want to switch gears and find something completely new and rejuvenating that spurs me to create or learn, but where do I start????
Enter Penelope Trunk.

As I was reading online one morning, I stumbled upon Penelope Trunk.

Game changer!

Devouring her blog every night since then, can't get enough of what she has to say. I took one of her courses and I am about to do a 1 on 1 coaching session with her.
She is straight forward and blatantly honest-
I like honesty.
It take guts to be honest- more of that please!
If you have a moment I urge you to take a peek- she might ignite a fire.

I enrolled in school- online school, because I live in the sticks in Montana and don't have a lot of options like in the big cities. I have commitment issues and am restless - so this is a big step for me, could be risky. Aspiring to finish my degree somehow- what that is of yet I am not sure...  at some point I am sure it will become clearer. It feels like a good decision.
Hopefully I will find my tree line...somewhere where the sky ends and the earth begins

Back to the blogging again, uncertain what my place is here in blog land now, all I know is that I miss it and I miss my friends here.
One thing that will change is I will no longer be afraid if what I write about, as long as I enjoy what I am writing about.
...more honesty and less of " will they enjoy reading this ".
Figuring this had an impact of on my absence here.
Lately I had become too concerned that my posts were "interesting and creative"- that just became too stressful... and ended up uninteresting to me.
I just can't pretend its all fabulous.
My life isn't.
 - it's messy, sad, boring and sometimes it really s.u.c.k.s.
Why sugarcoat it?
The blogs I love the most are relatable to everyday life where people fall face down, brush off and get up and of course there are the lovely tea and knitting moments- I am a champion of that too, because we all need a break from falling down.

Life's about change- and that is something I ready to celebrate.
...I'll be writing from the heart.

 For anyone that is going thru a rough spot I have been reading:
"Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better: Wise Advice for Leaning into the Unknown"
by Pema Chödrön

I found it to be very sympathetic and comforting when you need to lean in.