Catching Whispers

Life can throw you for a loop real quick
I know I am not in control
but simply hanging on for the ride
everything in my life as I knew it

I am a fatherless daughter.

I lost my father this month
it's been a roller coaster for 5 long weeks
nothing prepares you
Our relationship was a tough one
we were two crosscurrents
at times it felt as rusty old barbwire
the kind that cuts real bad
but then after a while heals somehow
and leaves behind a scar
 a year ago I forgave him
for the past
the endless years of therapy
clean slate.
and met him where he was at...
He had Alzheimer's
however for me,
that sweetened the deal
he became softer and left a little space for me
and I no longer felt as if I had to hide behind a blade of grass
 we joked 
had interesting conversations
 some times several at one time
Alzheimer's does that
you just roll with it
he would sing
speak in German and Danish
sometimes just a mess
but it was our lovely mess
there are no more conversations
 no one to speak Norwegian with

Grieving him
has been an awakening
all the tears and the emptiness
reminds what is
 what is left
my soul feels raw
a deep breath in a deep breath out
 I stand alone
not so strong yet
but you know what they say about time.....

 an old greeting card that was sent to him from a Hawaiian friend was found
 the words has stuck in my head all week
" Pupukahi "
gather together

 family and friends
dearly around me
trying to protect me
against the pain I am feeling
 Pain throws your heart to the ground
love turns it all around
- John Mayer
difficult time of year to lose someone
 as we celebrate birth and joy to the world
 still a believer of miracles
 the last year was truly a year of closeness and love with my father
a gift
as I watched him pass away
lying my head next to his
draping my arm around his chest
so very fragile
catching his last whispers
Outside the leaves slightly fluttered in the frosty breeze of winter
knowing it was his time
....I let him go....
I love him with all my heart
wishing you all
 this season
 enjoy what you have
 and who you are with
life is so precious
....and what I said about not being in control of your life
well, that's B.S
 you can control some things in your life and turn them around
just breathe and listen to your heart
wishing you all
peace and love