Catching Whispers

Life can throw you for a loop real quick

I know I am not in control

but simply hanging on for the ride

everything in my life as I knew it
 

changed

 

I am a fatherless daughter.

 



 

I lost my father this month

it's been a roller coaster for 5 long weeks

nothing prepares you
 

Our relationship was a tough one

we were two crosscurrents

at times it felt as rusty old barbwire
the kind that cuts real bad

but then after a while heals somehow

and leaves behind a scar

 

 a year ago I forgave him
for the past
the endless years of therapy
clean slate.
 

and met him where he was at...

 

He had Alzheimer's

 

however for me,
that sweetened the deal

he became softer and left a little space for me

and I no longer felt as if I had to hide behind a blade of grass

 

 

 we joked 

had interesting conversations

 some times several at one time

Alzheimer's does that

you just roll with it

he would sing

speak in German and Danish

sometimes just a mess

but it was our lovely mess

 

 

 now,
there are no more conversations
 no one to speak Norwegian with
 

 



 

Grieving him

has been an awakening

all the tears and the emptiness

reminds what is

 what is left

 

my soul feels raw

 

a deep breath in a deep breath out

 I stand alone

not so strong yet

but you know what they say about time.....

 



 

 an old greeting card that was sent to him from a Hawaiian friend was found

 the words has stuck in my head all week

 

" Pupukahi "

gather together

 family and friends

dearly around me
trying to protect me
against the pain I am feeling

 

 Pain throws your heart to the ground

love turns it all around
- John Mayer

  

difficult time of year to lose someone

 as we celebrate birth and joy to the world

 

 still a believer of miracles

 the last year was truly a year of closeness and love with my father
a gift
 

as I watched him pass away

lying my head next to his
draping my arm around his chest
so very fragile

 

catching his last whispers

 

Outside the leaves slightly fluttered in the frosty breeze of winter

knowing it was his time
....I let him go....

 

I love him with all my heart

 

wishing you all

Pupukahi

 this season

 

 enjoy what you have

 and who you are with

life is so precious

 

....and what I said about not being in control of your life

well, that's B.S

 you can control some things in your life and turn them around

just breathe and listen to your heart

 

wishing you all

peace and love