From the heart

It's winter on the 48 th parallel.

North West Montana is grey, the sun was shining 15 days ago- if it wasn't for the tree line it's hard to make out where the sky ends and the earth begins. Lately I have been feeling pretty hollow (as they say in Norwegian)- which I always do in winter- especially when the New Year comes around- I'm not one to welcome it with a big hurrah or have huge aspirations. Not much celebration here.

Spending much of these un wanted grey days inside I started reading thru my blog, lamenting the past.
.... with no intentions of returning.
No longer a fiberista- hard to figure out where I fit in- both in my daily life and work routine but also blogging, since much of my life has been " rich in fiber " I really didn't think I had much to share of interest on my blog.

As someone who is no longer a mom a youngish children (my oldest is 20 and my youngest is 10) their days are filled with school, sports, friends etc. my days have become focused on the daily grind of grocery shopping, dinners, school drop off and pick up-  feeling like a " Hausfrau " with all the daily chores, not very fulfilling on a personal level.
I thoroughly enjoyed being a full time domestic engineer for 20 years - spending my days with my children, that was meaningful. The kiddos are growing up and finding their path my insecurities start to rise as I am the one standing in the dust.
I'm the mayor of a ghost town.

 Chef mentioned one day at the dinner-
- you're aware your driving a van with no kids in it?

Oblivious.
 I cried.

 I have been driving a van for 15 years!!!!! It used to be full of kids.
- my life used to be full.
a week later I got a different car- a me car.
 A car that fits Foghorn and # 3- the others 2 have licenses and their own cars.

I started running again, bought a puppy, skied my rear end off- but nothing seemed to inspire a change.

Thoughts about going back to interior design was wafting in my head... with all the Home Depots and DIY centers, there is less demand for it.
HELP!!
I still feel so lost!

I want to switch gears and find something completely new and rejuvenating that spurs me to create or learn, but where do I start????
Enter Penelope Trunk.

As I was reading online one morning, I stumbled upon Penelope Trunk.

Game changer!

Devouring her blog every night since then, can't get enough of what she has to say. I took one of her courses and I am about to do a 1 on 1 coaching session with her.
She is straight forward and blatantly honest-
I like honesty.
It take guts to be honest- more of that please!
.
If you have a moment I urge you to take a peek- she might ignite a fire.

I enrolled in school- online school, because I live in the sticks in Montana and don't have a lot of options like in the big cities. I have commitment issues and am restless - so this is a big step for me, could be risky. Aspiring to finish my degree somehow- what that is of yet I am not sure...  at some point I am sure it will become clearer. It feels like a good decision.
Hopefully I will find my tree line...somewhere where the sky ends and the earth begins

Back to the blogging again, uncertain what my place is here in blog land now, all I know is that I miss it and I miss my friends here.
One thing that will change is I will no longer be afraid if what I write about, as long as I enjoy what I am writing about.
...more honesty and less of " will they enjoy reading this ".
Figuring this had an impact of on my absence here.
Lately I had become too concerned that my posts were "interesting and creative"- that just became too stressful... and ended up uninteresting to me.
I just can't pretend its all fabulous.
My life isn't.
 - it's messy, sad, boring and sometimes it really s.u.c.k.s.
Why sugarcoat it?
The blogs I love the most are relatable to everyday life where people fall face down, brush off and get up and of course there are the lovely tea and knitting moments- I am a champion of that too, because we all need a break from falling down.

Life's about change- and that is something I ready to celebrate.
...I'll be writing from the heart.

***
 For anyone that is going thru a rough spot I have been reading:
"Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better: Wise Advice for Leaning into the Unknown"
by Pema Chödrön

I found it to be very sympathetic and comforting when you need to lean in.