1/21/16

From the heart









It's winter on the 48 th parallel.

North West Montana is grey, the sun was shining 15 days ago- if it wasn't for the tree line it's hard to make out where the sky ends and the earth begins. Lately I have been feeling pretty hollow (as they say in Norwegian)- which I always do in winter- especially when the New Year comes around- I'm not one to welcome it with a big hurrah or have huge aspirations. Not much celebration here.

Spending much of these un wanted grey days inside I started reading thru my blog, lamenting the past.
.... with no intentions of returning.
No longer a fiberista- hard to figure out where I fit in- both in my daily life and work routine but also blogging, since much of my life has been " rich in fiber " I really didn't think I had much to share of interest on my blog.

As someone who is no longer a mom a youngish children (my oldest is 20 and my youngest is 10) their days are filled with school, sports, friends etc. my days have become focused on the daily grind of grocery shopping, dinners, school drop off and pick up-  feeling like a " Hausfrau " with all the daily chores, not very fulfilling on a personal level.
I thoroughly enjoyed being a full time domestic engineer for 20 years - spending my days with my children, that was meaningful. The kiddos are growing up and finding their path my insecurities start to rise as I am the one standing in the dust.
I'm the mayor of a ghost town.

 Chef mentioned one day at the dinner-
- you're aware your driving a van with no kids in it?

Oblivious.
 I cried.

 I have been driving a van for 15 years!!!!! It used to be full of kids.
- my life used to be full.
a week later I got a different car- a me car.
 A car that fits Foghorn and # 3- the others 2 have licenses and their own cars.

I started running again, bought a puppy, skied my rear end off- but nothing seemed to inspire a change.

Thoughts about going back to interior design was wafting in my head... with all the Home Depots and DIY centers, there is less demand for it.
HELP!!
I still feel so lost!

I want to switch gears and find something completely new and rejuvenating that spurs me to create or learn, but where do I start????
Enter Penelope Trunk.

As I was reading online one morning, I stumbled upon Penelope Trunk.

Game changer!

Devouring her blog every night since then, can't get enough of what she has to say. I took one of her courses and I am about to do a 1 on 1 coaching session with her.
She is straight forward and blatantly honest-
I like honesty.
It take guts to be honest- more of that please!
.
If you have a moment I urge you to take a peek- she might ignite a fire.

I enrolled in school- online school, because I live in the sticks in Montana and don't have a lot of options like in the big cities. I have commitment issues and am restless - so this is a big step for me, could be risky. Aspiring to finish my degree somehow- what that is of yet I am not sure...  at some point I am sure it will become clearer. It feels like a good decision.
Hopefully I will find my tree line...somewhere where the sky ends and the earth begins

Back to the blogging again, uncertain what my place is here in blog land now, all I know is that I miss it and I miss my friends here.
One thing that will change is I will no longer be afraid if what I write about, as long as I enjoy what I am writing about.
...more honesty and less of " will they enjoy reading this ".
Figuring this had an impact of on my absence here.
Lately I had become too concerned that my posts were "interesting and creative"- that just became too stressful... and ended up uninteresting to me.
I just can't pretend its all fabulous.
My life isn't.
 - it's messy, sad, boring and sometimes it really s.u.c.k.s.
Why sugarcoat it?
The blogs I love the most are relatable to everyday life where people fall face down, brush off and get up and of course there are the lovely tea and knitting moments- I am a champion of that too, because we all need a break from falling down.

Life's about change- and that is something I ready to celebrate.
...I'll be writing from the heart.

***
 For anyone that is going thru a rough spot I have been reading:
"Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better: Wise Advice for Leaning into the Unknown"
by Pema Chödrön

I found it to be very sympathetic and comforting when you need to lean in.

32 comments :

  1. My dear, dear friend, if you were standing right by me I would be giving you the biggest hug! This life, this Mama Life is hard and from what I picked up from your words you have hit that 'wall' we all must face, and yes, it sucks, big time, but you must crawl over it, sometimes one inch at a time, and on the other side is something that while different ,is just as rewarding.

    It sounds like you are now on a good path and I am excited to see where it takes you.
    I am selfishly thankful that you are back in this space, I love my visits and have missed being here. I must check out the blog you mentioned, it sounds like something we can all benefit from reading. Have fun taking your classes and please know I am cheering you on!!! Much love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you your kind and wise words of encouragement brings great comfort and warms my heart. It's nice to hear this from you too since you have been so successful with your kids, some that have even married with lovely grandchildren...makes me look forward to the future.Thank you Tracey xo

      Delete
  2. Ahhhhh. It sounds like mommy-hood has finally caught up with you. It happens to us all. Our life's decisions for years are outlined around being a mommy....whether you are a domestic engineer or a job-outside-the-home....every waking thought is outlined by the children. And suddenly......it's time to decide what YOU want to do. It's HARD. really really hard.
    Like Tracey, I'm thrilled you are back in this space. I love your photography. I love your fiber journey. And I love the way you put words together. You have so much talent, so much to offer, and I'm excited for your 'learning' journey---where ever that takes you, I'm hoping you will take us along with you----so we can share in the joy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's exactly how I feel Steph- thank you for a being a kindred spirit and telling on me on some level you can relate. It takes a village as they say. Yes, I am feeling more joy these days and a little more confidence in the path ahead, thank you again for your lovely response.
      xo

      Delete
  3. My life right now could be yours. Both boys driving...oldest away at school and giving us a run for our money. So many worries. I would like to write about it again, but there are too many prying eyes in this town that cause tongues to wag. I've started working part-time at Syracuse University...doing what I love best...creating new teachers. It's great to work with the students and I wonder why my kid isn't like the ones I work with. But, I know that these same wonderful young adults in front of me are pushing their parents' buttons at home. I too, have been thinking about online or maybe a course here or there. I think I will start with a free one to see if I will stick it out. So many choice out there for us now Camilla! Let's go for it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jane, dang it I wish we lived closer! I am sorry to hear about your town folk- we have that here too, but know one knows I have a blog...and if they do I guess that cat's outta the bag that my live is not always so BLISSFULL! What a wonderful and meaningful path you are on, creating new teachers, so many people you are helping- not to mention your photography. I hope things get easier for you with the kids- I know you are in the middle of it too. Yes...lets go for it- great encouragement. xo

      Delete
  4. First of all, big hugs to you my friend. I can't pretend to know what you are going through with a little one still underfoot, but just reading your words I can feel the difficulty in these life changes. Sending you love as you navigate this new and exciting path.

    PS So happy you are back in your space, I will be here whatever you choose to write about :)

    xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Kim, thank you for your kind words- enjoy this time with Reece, which I know you are so much- it's a special and magical time of life. ...and it will be too as they all grow. I guess I am just a little shell shocked it happened so quickly- or it seems quick to me. Thank you for your support- I appreciate from the bottom of my heart.xoxo

      Delete
  5. I think that there are a lot of us old bloggers/knitters that are now heading along the same path as you, please don't feel alone. I used to blog about my knitting and fibre stuff with a passion, it fitted in with my parenting stuff, but suddenly my boy is 18 and off to uni this year! I feel like a spare part and so need to find a new thing for me. I am currently doing Susannah Conway Inside story course (http://www.susannahconway.com/) to help me find a new direction that fits in with my new needs (health included) I think the key is to find something to do that you truly care about.
    I really love your blogging, and have done for years in all its forms, it is because it is you and that is what matters and comes across. I hope you find your new thing an dbe very happy. xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's so good to hear in a selfish way Linda- I have known you for so long and I love what you wrote about how the time of knitting and light bogging worked for you- I feel the same. Now I just have to get used to the shift I am in. I looked at the courses Susannah offers- I bet you are enjoying them and feeling inspired- I hope you are on your way finding your self , new self and your path to health and happiness. Thank you sweet friend.xox

      Delete
  6. Replies
    1. You are always so kind- thank you. Hugs to you too.

      Delete
  7. It's lovely to see you back here, I have missed you. I hear you on the 'will they enjoy reading this' that's partly why I stopped too. I had lost my way a bit. I hope the course helps you to find your way after so many years as a mum, although that hasn't totally stopped yet it sounds like it has become so totally different it has thrown you off course. I hope you do write here and tell us about your new journey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice to read what you have to write pleasing everyone- I think it stops there- once you are happy most people around you are happy and this for blogging too. Just for the record- your blog is one of my favs- because I do feel it's real and you write interestingly about life. Yes, a new journey- chin up, looking forward to it. xo

      Delete
  8. Yay you're back :) I don't like change and change is always there!! Since my daughter was married and moved to the west coast, I've ever so slowly adjusted. It's a struggle!! I'm hoping we get some snow this weekend!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I think you're right with adjusting slowly- it takes time, time for the kids to grow up and out and I am sure we need the same time to get used to it and a new routine. I guess on your end that is leads to many joyful visits to look forward too :) Did you get any snow from this new storm?

      Delete
    2. yes I did, finally!! I find that the second one maybe moving farther away is making the daughter that is far away feel even farther. I've decided to try my best to live in the NOW. I'm a dabbler in future thinkings so it's a work in progress.

      Delete
  9. I've been reading your blog for quite some time and like everyone else here I'm so happy your back. We share many of the same interests and I too had to make some huge changes recently for my own sanity. Moving across the country with a horse, three dogs, and a cat at my age was deffinately a challenge but so rewarding too. I've always found your posts to be so well written and your photography is amazing. So happy to see that you are embracing the changes in your life and moving forward. Keep on keepin on!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello, how wonderful are you? Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I think you have a lot of grit moving across country like that, alone- with a horse too-(would love to know what kind)Really good to hear that you are making a good life for yourself now- that spurs me on with all the changes that you have made- I guess shaking things up is in our nature, as long as it ends up in personal growth and happiness. Yes to that- let keep keepin on! xo

      Delete
    2. He's a big black quarter horse. He stands 16 hands and I have had him since he was a baby 22 years ago. I was a little concerned about him traveling so far at his age but couldn't bear the thought of leaving him behind. He made the trip just fine and is loving his new digs. :-)

      Delete
    3. He's a big black quarter horse. He stands 16 hands and I have had him since he was a baby 22 years ago. I was a little concerned about him traveling so far at his age but couldn't bear the thought of leaving him behind. He made the trip just fine and is loving his new digs. :-)

      Delete
  10. Hi Camille: I too love honesty and honest people and that is only one reason I love your blog. My heart was breaking as I read your post but I am sooo sooo happy that you bought yourself that me car!!! Just know that you aren't alone in feeling lost after years and years of full time/ full van/ full house/ full dining table parenting...I am right behind you. Keep on blogging...I will take the boring and everyday along with the exciting news you have to share. xoxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Erica- you made my day with your lovely comment, "full " is the word of the day- you got it. I simply think honesty is the best policy- it's sad and good at the same to read of peoples struggles and triumphs I think, no? We are all here to learn. Thank you again for being such a kindred spirit. xoxo

      Delete
  11. I am sincerely happy you are back. I miss your pictures so much! I understand the struggle. My own family is going through empty-nest-ish-ness. The classes are a great idea! I'm rooting for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good Morning, I hope you are doing ok with your empty nest-ish, it's sort of a shocker....everything changes and there is a new normal. Yes, submerging myself in knowledge (classes) is a good thing. Thank you kindly for your sweet words, I appreciate that. Do you have a blog? All the best to you and yours xox

      Delete
    2. Hi Julie, just wanted you to know that I know who you are now, was not familiar with your last name :)

      Delete
  12. It's great hearing from you again. Be honest- because that's the interesting stuff. We all feel down sometimes or we arrive at a point in life where we don't know how to go on. I am still trying to figure out what I would like to do when I will be "grown up"- and I will turn 40 next year! It is usually those honest blogs that inspire me most. Love your pictures :-)
    Have a great and inspiring day.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Yup, I love this post. I've run out of creative and interesting things to write ("show") too - but somehow don't want to lay my blog to rest until there is more that comes from the heart. It is very healing. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  14. This is a gorgeous and honest post and I am right there with you in so many ways. I got a 'me car' this summer, reconnected with old friends and am keeping my hands and mind busy creating. There is still so much support that the older ones need as they find there way....in many ways we are on the same path as they are, just a bit further up the road. Wishing you a year full of finding your way.
    Beth

    ReplyDelete
  15. It sounds to me like you are a tough, determined, person that will not settle for a ho-hum life. It is kind of inspiring to read this post - I'm still right in the thick of it with toddlers and younger ones - and see that when the kids are not 110% of my life I don't have to stop. It is really great to hear the ups, but, it also good to hear the downs. Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I, too, am glad you're back, Camilla, I always love your photos and hearing about life in a place so different than where I live. I don't have kids so didn't have to go through empty nesthood. All I did was work at a job I hated most of the time and now I'm retired and can do what I want. Life is so much easier for me now. My blog is just basically a visual journal of what I do and I don't really think many people find it very interesting but, oh, well. I used to have far more readers but most of them quit blogging, guess they burned out. Anyway, I hope you enjoy your classes. College was my favorite thing ever, really.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hello you. I missed your return, missed you while you were gone, am so pleased to find you blogging again.

    I know that feeling ... what am I for now? I can assure you that it passes. And I also recognise the need to just write from the heart. I've been kept from blogging by life and I am fighting to get back to it.

    I'm looking forward to sharing your falls and your triumphs here. (And I'd forgotten about Penelope Trunk, thank you for the reminder.)

    ReplyDelete

Hello- thank you for stopping by :)