The familiar sinking feeling of misplacing my compass.
Lost.
What am I supposed to do?
Where am I going, what motivates me to blaze a trail and forge forward, gone.
A time to find a quiet spot and just
be
to exist in that space.
Loosing my father was WAY more traumatic than I ever thought.
....I lost my way
( you can guess which one is me)
I turned 47.
Still feeling like I am 11.
First birthday without dad.
Spending endless time in the park.
The quiet is beautiful.
The winter snow melting making way for blue summer skies and sunshine
the promise of warmer days to come so I can immerse myself in the lake once again.
My beautiful garden that my mother is always so lovingly and kindly weeds and gets spring ready.
...and of course the Great Escape to Hawaii this spring
a beautiful and exotic place that fills me up when I am worn down by the long Montana winter.
Kona Coast is where we stayed- experiencing lava and snow at the same time is wild.
The world is truly beautiful and nature never stops to blow me away.
Our favorite beach on the island was Mauna Kea.
Turquoise water with slow swimming sea turtles and crashing waves.
Feeling weightless in the salty sea- floating.
Soft and warm sandy beaches.
I think I checked out for a while.
..and somewhere on the bottom of the ocean
my husbands wedding ring.
Yes, he lost it jumping in the waves.
La Familia
The smiles and laughter on my children's faces- just the pure enjoyment of being a family
spending time together.
Priceless.
This is Carl.
A chameleon.
I love Carl.
He stole my heart.
A highlight of the trip.
Homeward bound.
Back to Montana where my heart is.
The wild and rugged.
Snow capped mountains and fresh air.
good to be home
...all to find out that my Luther Vandross has lung cancer.
He has a tumor in his lung the size of 1/3 of his heart and has 4 - 12 mos to live.
So next week we are packing up the car and driving to Pullman Veterinary hospital in Washington
to try to save his life.
If the surgery goes well, my lovey can have 3-5 good years left.
I can't bear to loose one more family member.
Fearful, yes....
I am here, I am alive and I am strong.
a few rough patches
with a whole lot of love sprinkled in
I will find my way
..oh, yeah did I tell you?
I found my compass...
it was in right hand pocket all the time.
I am hugging you so tightly right now, can you feel it?
ReplyDeleteI lost my Dad 17 years ago this past Tuesday, I still cry when I think of that day, so I get your loss Camilla and I'm sorry.
I've missed you too. Happy belated birthday. Gosh, you are one beautiful lady and I hope each day of the next year is filled with moments of joy for you.
Love seeing Carl, I would love him too.
I hope your dog is okay. Our Amy [a ten year old German Short Hair] has cancer, but there is no hope, it will be over soon. And again I remember why I don't care too much for June.
xoxoxoxo
DeleteThank you for the hug Tracey- right back at you, and your warming words. I am so sorry about the loss of your father- I can see that it continues to be hard...and Amy( they are family)- give her a big from me....one more week of June :)
DeleteHello Beautiful. Did you know I just visited here yesterday looking for you? I keep looking for you and was so happy to see you comment on my blog today. I am so happy you are back, if only for right now. I am so sorry to hear about losing your dad. How difficult. I am so close to mine and I can't imagine the loss. It must be overwhelming and scary and hard. But...you are with your experience and I'm sure it will also bring you a depth you've never known. I can only guess. I also wish you so much love for your pup. We lost our 13 year old in Jan. It was VERY hard. Still is. I hope you got lots of great years left. I bet you will.
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
I was so happy to read your post yesterday about how much love your new little one was giving and receiving in your family...it's amazing how much joy animals can bring to our lives. Thank you for your kind words xo.
DeleteSorry to hear about your dad but happy to see that you're still enjoying and loving on that family of yours. Happy belated birthday, beautiful!
ReplyDeleteYes, the family- my elixir.
DeleteThank you Amanda.
Hello there! I have stopped by a few times lately looking for you, and was happy to see in you my space today. It sounds like there has been difficulty as well as goodness in the last little bit. Hugs to you as you move through these ups and downs. First birthday without your dad, I can only imagine just how hard this was. And your dog, I feel your pain on that one, losing a pet is so hard. I do hope he gets those extra years. Sending love and hugs. xo
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind and warm words- it is truly ups and downs...but I think I am on my way for a big "ups" right now, can't stay down forever. Hugs to you Kim. P.s. I need to speak to you about an ad- we'll email later.
DeleteI've missed you. Mourning is a funny path in life and everyone does it differently, you are doing what you need to do. Happy birthday. And I'll be praying for your dog :) hope all goes well!
ReplyDeleteIt was so nice to land on your blog and see your knitting and something familiar Karen, I have missed you and reading your blog. Thank you for your kind words and prayers- I know in my heart Luther will make it- he has that spirit.
DeleteI missed you! I'm glad your found your way. Your husband's wedding ring is with my husbands. It is on an eternal vacation in the rolling waves of the ocean. Must be a nice place to be.
ReplyDeleteYou crack me up- so good to read that my husbands ring won't be alone out there in the deep blue- and yes, a nice place to be lost....Your images are beautiful of the wedding Andee- so talented you are. xo
Deletehi camilla, i'm so sorry, i understand as much as is possible, i lost my mother 2 years ago :(
ReplyDeletei love the kona coast, glad you were able to spend time there. my husbands ring is somewhere under the sea too, he lost it surfing here. happy belated birthday to you, i celebrated mine a couple weeks ago too, where does the time go? :)
So sorry to hear about your mom Lori- it's plain tough. Great to be lost as a wedding ring I suppose surfing and in Hawaii- I guess my husbands ring thought the same...he.he. Happy belated birthday to you too. Gratulerer med dagen.
DeleteHappy birthday!
ReplyDeleteI've missed you and I'm happy to see you again!
You will find your way!!!
A big hug from me XOXO
I have missed you too Patricia- was thinking of you watching the world cup- we were all so happy here for Holland- yippee! Nice job. Hope you are having a wonderful summer with your lovely family. love to you xo
DeleteHello darling ~ I've missed you and so glad to see you this morning as I sip my coffee. Sending lots of love and good wishes for your beloved Luther. So glad you've found your way. Hubs lost his father in March and we have been riding the waves. Wishing a most wonderful belated birthday and so glad your mom is now with you.. xo
ReplyDeleteGood Morning Leigh- thank you for your kind words and thoughts...yes, I am starting to make a move forward- Summer is coming to Montucky so it's a GOOD thing can't wait to throw myself in the lake :) I am sorry to hear about your father in law- it is really hard. Hope you are well and enjoy your fiber arts and your bees. Wishing you a great summer. Hugs.
DeleteCamilla, I will send thoughts and prayers to your beautiful dog for his full recovery. Happy Birthday...If it's any consolation I feel lost most of the time...
ReplyDeleteThank you - yes, it does help to hear that others feel this at times too- I appreciate your prayers for Luther. I know how much you love your cats- they are family :)
ReplyDeleteBest to you.
Im so sorry you lost your dad and your dog is sick. That must hurt so damn much. My friend lost her mum recently and she said to me 'I keep trying to remember it hurts because we love. And life is better because of how much we love. But right now it hurts so much' She is so right.
ReplyDeleteSending you *hugs* I missed your posts but sometimes to step away is so needed xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Oh love. My heart had quite a journey through this post. My heart breaks that you had to celebrate your birthday without your Dad. Now Luther, I will say prayers and positive thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right, Camilla you are so strong. If anyone could their way, it would be you!
Thinking about you and Luther and praying for a successful surgery and speedy recovery. I just want to run my finger over the smooth short fur between his eyes and have him sigh in delight.
ReplyDelete