12/26/13

Catching Whispers




Life can throw you for a loop real quick
I know I am not in control
but simply hanging on for the ride
everything in my life as I knew it
 
changed



 
I am a fatherless daughter.
 




 
I lost my father this month
it's been a roller coaster for 5 long weeks
nothing prepares you
 
Our relationship was a tough one
we were two crosscurrents
at times it felt as rusty old barbwire
the kind that cuts real bad
but then after a while heals somehow
and leaves behind a scar
 
 a year ago I forgave him
for the past
the endless years of therapy
clean slate.
 
and met him where he was at...
 
He had Alzheimer's
 
however for me,
that sweetened the deal
he became softer and left a little space for me
and I no longer felt as if I had to hide behind a blade of grass
 
 
 we joked 
had interesting conversations
 some times several at one time
Alzheimer's does that
you just roll with it
he would sing
speak in German and Danish
sometimes just a mess
but it was our lovely mess
 
 
 now,
there are no more conversations
 no one to speak Norwegian with
 
 



 
Grieving him
has been an awakening
all the tears and the emptiness
reminds what is
 what is left
 
my soul feels raw
 
a deep breath in a deep breath out
 I stand alone
not so strong yet
but you know what they say about time.....
 



 
 an old greeting card that was sent to him from a Hawaiian friend was found
 the words has stuck in my head all week
 
" Pupukahi "
gather together

 family and friends
dearly around me
trying to protect me
against the pain I am feeling
 
 Pain throws your heart to the ground
love turns it all around
- John Mayer
  
difficult time of year to lose someone
 as we celebrate birth and joy to the world
 
 still a believer of miracles
 the last year was truly a year of closeness and love with my father
a gift
 
as I watched him pass away
lying my head next to his
draping my arm around his chest
so very fragile
 
catching his last whispers
 
Outside the leaves slightly fluttered in the frosty breeze of winter
knowing it was his time
....I let him go....
 
I love him with all my heart
 
wishing you all
Pupukahi
 this season
 
 enjoy what you have
 and who you are with
life is so precious
 
....and what I said about not being in control of your life
well, that's B.S
 you can control some things in your life and turn them around
just breathe and listen to your heart
 
wishing you all
peace and love
 
 
 

13 comments :

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. This post is beautiful.

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  2. I am so very sorry for your loss. There is so much beauty in your words and your photos, and so much truth.

    Sending love, light and peace to you. Hugs xo

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  3. My deepest condolences on the loss of your father. Catching those whispers.. what a blessing. I have to agree with the comment above because she said it so well ~ there is such beauty in you words. Truly spoken from the heart. Thinking of you.. sending you love.. and prayers. xo

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  4. My condolences on the loss of your father.
    Nice words!
    I'm glad you had good contact with him in the last year.
    Alzheimer is not easy, especially for the family.
    Although his character positively changed.
    I wish you much strength!
    Big hug! Patricia xo

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  5. so sorry for your loss but I am so glad that you made peace with the past and forged a newer better relationship with him. My thoughts are with you.

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  6. Camilla,
    This road we share - the road where we meet in the 'Middle' has held many'a conversations as we walk and talk. You are a magical soul. It has been a journey indeed for you.. and you found your way. You are no ordinary woman. I lOOOOOVE you :))

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  7. Oh I'm so sorry for your loss. So beautifully written. I hope you find comfort in the small moments of closeness you found near the end. Im sure he did xxxxxxxxxx

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  8. I was wondering if something was going on in your life after a few weeks of blog silence. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope that you can find some peace and comfort in the days to come.

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  9. Sending my sympathy to you Camilla as you navigate through this difficult time. What a wonderful tribute to your father. xo

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  10. Dearest Camilla, I am so sorry to hear of your sad news. take care and many hugs for all those sad moments, love Linda xx

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  11. Camilla, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. What a blessing that you had this precious time with your father, even though it was probably the most trying time. Peace be with you. Jenn

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  12. I have missed your beautiful words and images. I am sorry they had to coincide with your terrible loss. You are right, they say time heals all wounds, I do hope that is the case for you. You are a beautiful soul, Camilla, I am so grateful that the later part of your father's life gave you the father you needed and deserved. Sending you love and wishes of healing. xo

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